i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
tell me about the eggs
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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