I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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