do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
