Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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