i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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