ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
