Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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