STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You need a sexual gate keeper
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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