I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she looked like the before picture.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Found the puke drawer
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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