at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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