I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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