Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
