I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
