ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Randomize
