dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
