It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
