god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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