I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
