if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
