he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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