fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
