so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
