I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
