i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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