After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
