The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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