My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
