Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
