I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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