I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
