When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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