I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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