I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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