I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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