I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
4 words: hood of his car
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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