I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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