Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
either way he was missing a nipple.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize