Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
