Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
