She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
