Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
