My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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