Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize