dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
