I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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