My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
