Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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