i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
