i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
