three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize