i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
