I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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