the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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