it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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