Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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